Introduction

 

THIS ACCOUNT OF ANN GARDNER'S JOURNEY WILL BE TOLD BY TWO NARRATORS, MYSELF AND ANN'S HUSBAND PAUL. THROUGHOUT THE EVENTS DESCRIBED HERE, PAUL, HAS BEEN KEEPING A JOURNAL. I BELIEVE IT IS AN HONEST ONE, OR AS HONEST AS POSSIBLE UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. IT SEEMED TO ME THAT HIS JOURNAL ENTRIES WOULD ADD INTEREST TO THE TELLING OF WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY BOTH HIS STORY AND HERS. WE BEGIN WITH A JOURNAL ENTRY PAUL MADE NEAR THE END OF THEIR JOURNEY.

Journal Entry

 

My name is Paul Gardner. I'm forty-six years old. Now that it is over and the debt has been paid, I'm sitting here wondering how it all began. Not that it matters. I guess, in time, we are able to re-imagine the past in ways that make our actions less reprehensible, but the past remains the past and in our hearts we know the truth of it.

I've been playing the "What If" game. What if Ann's parents hadn't been killed in an auto accident when she was four years old? What if she hadn't been raised by her grandparents? What if her Irish Catholic grandparents hadn't sent her to schools for Catholic girls and to a Catholic University? What if during her formative years Ann hadn't spent countless hours studying the lives of the Saints and more countless hours on her knees worshipping Jesus? What if Ann hadn't been so innocent, so good, so pure, so compassionate, and so empathetic? What if all of these admirable qualities hadn't been initiated by fear and nurtured by guilt? She said she signed the first contract because of her love for me. That, I believe, might have been a small part of the reason, but it was guilt and fear that guided her trembling hand as she wrote her name first to the business documents I persuaded her to sign and later to the unimaginably depraved contract.

"What If" one of my trucks hadn't been involved in an accident with the car her grandfather was driving? What if my driver hadn't taken a cell phone photo of the grandfather and the incredibly beautiful young woman who had been in the passenger seat? What if, although the accident was clearly the old man's fault, I hadn't personally visited him and his granddaughter to see that they weren't injured and to write a generous check to cover the damage to his car and another check for the stress the accident caused to both of them?

"What If" I hadn't fallen immediately and hopelessly in love with the stunningly beautiful, impossibly innocent young Irish Catholic woman?

"What If" her only other relationship with a male had been a college boy her own age? It ended after two weeks when he felt her breast after an evening at the movies.

"What If" Ann's degree hadn't been in Education and she hadn't received certification to teach history in the state of New York at the time when her relatively poor grandparents were in failing health?

"What If" I hadn't been born with a small penis given to premature ejaculations? And perhaps the biggest "What If" I hadn't become addicted to gambling?

I could list hundreds of other "What If's" to support my argument that we definitely are not "The masters of our fate" or "the captains of our souls". Our lives are controlled by Chance, Circumstance, and Accidents over which we have no control. In the end you either slit your wrists or shrug your shoulders and say, "Well, it is what it is." Or while the memories are still fresh you might spend a number of sleepless nights making, however painful, a record of what happened in an effort to understand it, or to prove to yourself there was no way you could have prevented it from happening

I have set down here an account of the direction our marriage took around the end of the second year. I was privileged or cursed to witness or hear much of what happened to Ann. There are digicams that bring videos to your computer and even to your big screen TV in real time. There are iPhones that send instant pictures. There's text messaging. There are webcams that send images to multiple computers, iPods, iPads, and television sets. There's conference calling and voice mail. Internet connections. I became acquainted with all of them. Certainly not always, but quite often Ann was in sight even when I wasn't with her.

One more thing. This has been a voyage of discovery for both of us. Ann's voyage might have been more dramatic, but mine has been more profound, more life changing. I know who and what I am. I'm not at all the person I believed myself to be.

Chapter One

 

She is twenty-four. Paul is forty-six. Theirs was, as many friends and relatives were quick to point out, a May/December relationship. No one thought the marriage held much promise, but they were wrong and eventually most admitted it. Paul is quick to say that he never thought he was capable of loving anyone one as much as he loved Ann. He says that, even after all that has happened, he still loves her, but not in the same way. Both he and Ann were led to discover who they really were. Everything she said and did during the first two years of their marriage suggested that her love for him was honest, deep, and forever. They were incredibly happy. It's hard to believe, but there was never a quarrel, never even a bad word spoken or a day without expressions of tenderness and love. Although Ann worried about his gambling habit, she never mentioned it. Besides, Paul managed, during those first two years, to keep most of it from her.

He used his office phone and computer to bet on horses, ball games, and whatever else was available. One night a week throughout those first years Ann helped at the Catholic Youth Center in Bedford-Stuyvesant. She taught learning and coping skills to "at risk" teenagers most of whom attended because for them it was either go to the Youth Center or the Juvenile Detention Facility. Paul worried about her spending time with tough delinquents in one of the most dangerous areas of Brooklyn. But she never complained and had actually found ways to earn their grudging respect. Her volunteering also gave him his poker night. He played with a group of high rollers. There were six of them; Paul and five black guys. They were of different ages, but all seemed reasonably intelligent. One, Jim Albertson, was both a long time friend and the accountant for his trucking company. He introduced Paul to his friends, and they quickly accepted him because one of their regular members had moved to California. Each week one of the members hosted the game. When it was Paul's turn, he had them come to his office which was spacious and well appointed. At first, no one objected.

He had not only inherited a very profitable trucking company, he also inherited a large and lovely old Victorian house on a half acre in the Ditmas Park area of Brooklyn. Although there was no reason for Ann to work, she insisted on "being of use in the world". For those wonderful first two years she taught full time at the Paul Robeson High School for Business and Technology in Brooklyn. It was only a twenty minute drive from their house or short walk and two stops on the subway. Initially, Paul worried because like the young delinquents who attended the classes at the Catholic Youth Center, most of her students were black and Hispanic males from the projects. Many had criminal records for drug possession, drug dealing, robbery, or crimes of violence. But she was so incredibly naive, so sweetly innocent, so bright, so caring, that she charmed them, or most of them, into behaving and into feeling protective of her. So, at the end of those two idyllic years Ann had her black and brown students and Paul had his black poker playing friends.

Soon after their marriage, on the advice of his accountant, Paul had all of his assets; the company, the house, the cars, the cabin he owned on a lake upstate, stocks, and bank accounts placed in both names. He reasoned that because of the age difference he'd likely die before Ann did. Since she legally owned half of everything, she would avoid inheritance taxes and other complications at the time of his death. The downside of that arrangement was her signature had to appear on business transactions.

Toward the end of the second year of their marriage the economy began to plunge. Paul had to lay off a number of employees and sell some trucks. In order to cover those losses he, with the help of Jim Albertson, discovered a way to rig the stocks in his company at the expense of the stockholders. There was little risk. He was sure the economy would turn around and he could make things right. However this Ponzi scheme required Ann's signature on a number of documents. He asked her to sign the papers. She did without asking questions. He thought this was strange because she was always curious about everything. Looking back, he suspected she knew he was doing something illegal and was dragging her into it. He was right. Ann knew. She didn't want to embarrass him by asking questions. She also trusted his integrity and intelligence. She was sure he'd find a way to rectify any questionable things he might be doing. It should also be noted that at this time Paul owed his poker playing friends over seventy-five thousand dollars.