CHAPTER ONE
I was terrified when I read her e-mail. "I know classes don`t begin until next week,
but I`d like to see you in my office one evening this week. Call me to set up an
appointment. Constance."
Since she had threatened to sue me the last time I was in there, seven months earlier,
before her sabbatical, I wasn`t anxious to return. Even so, as Constance was my former
boss, my professor and possibly still my mentor, I was obligated to obey her. And I was as
eager to see her as I was terrified.
I took several deep breaths and called.
"Constance O`Rourke!" she announced herself, cheerfully as ever.
"Connie. Sandy."
"Sandy. Good. When can you come?"
"Whenever you say, Connie. How are you?" I struggled to keep my heart down out
of my throat.
"Fine. Tuesday? Six?"
"Yes, but ... is anything wrong? Do I need to bring anything?" I asked. If I
needed to consult a lawyer, I would have to do so immediately.
"Oh. No, nothing is wrong, Sandy. We just need to chat. You don`t need to bring
anything. See you Tuesday, all right?"
"Yes, ma`am," I said, but by the second syllable I was talking into a dead
phone.
I was shaking so hard I was afraid I was going to throw up. She hadn`t sounded angry, but
then, Connie never did, not even when she was very, very angry.
* * * *
By six PM, the offices were closed, so I went around to her private entrance and knocked.
She appeared instantly and let me in.
"Sandy!" she said, giving me a sunny grin. She put out her hand and I took it
cautiously, having been quite certain she would never permit physical contact again. Then,
to my delight, she hugged me, and I lost my composure.
"Oh, Connie," I said brokenly.
"Stop it! I thought you would be happy!" Connie exclaimed, bringing me a box of
tissues. "It`s okay, really. Have a seat," she said, indicating the sofa and not
the conference table where she had reamed me out in June.
"I am happy. Believe me," I said as I wiped my eyes and sat down.
Connie took the armchair at a right angle to the sofa. She was adorable as ever in jeans
and an oxford shirt, but only a moron would ever take her for a lightweight. "So, you
look well! Still losing weight?"
"Yes, thanks for noticing," I said.
She steepled her fingers and looked at me. "I, ah, took the liberty of asking some
people how you`ve been doing. Apparently your work has been most impressive. I`m proud of
you."
I looked at her, my eyes wide with shock. She had promised not to tell.
"Oh! I don`t mean I asked with regard to ... what happened. I asked out of
curiosity, as though I were interested in your academic career, which I am, Sandy,
honestly. Don`t you trust me?" Connie cocked her head and her golden-red curls caught
the light. I had never stopped loving her, not for a nanosecond.
"Yes, of course," I lied. I had trusted her the first time, and she had
betrayed me utterly, and punished me severely for nothing. She had asked to see my
writing, and I had given it to her, with a cover letter explaining what she was about to
see. She had gone over the edge, claiming I had written it about her and me, but the story
was much older than our association. I had told her all that, and she hadn`t heard a word.
I wasn`t about to say it again. Chances were she still wouldn`t hear me, and her power
over me was too great.
"Well, first order of business. My research. I really would love to have you back,
and so would Dr. Liu and Dr. Duchamp. Are you willing?"
My brain was numb, "Yes, but you said--"
Connie cut me off. "I know what I said, and I was very angry that day. I also know
that when it comes to research assistants, I`m sitting on a gold mine with you, and they
would think I was insane not to make use of your skills as well. Is that a yes?"
"Yes, ma`am, Connie," I nodded.
"Now, as to the other issue," she said, looking up at the ugly gray ceiling,
composing her thoughts.
I know I went white. Was she going to sue me after all?
"Please, Connie, I promise--"
"Sandy, you`ve already promised. That`s not the problem. It`s something else. While
I was away, I had time to think. Did you know Marie called me about you?"
I shook my head. She referred to Marie Duchamp, her best friend and my other boss, who
had so staunchly defended me to Connie in June and probably saved me from being arrested.
"She told me you were making yourself sick. She was afraid you were losing your
mind. I had to tell her to reassure you, to move on, to forget it, and that I trusted you.
I couldn`t do it myself. It was too soon. I take it she did that?" Connie looked at
me intently.
"Yes. I didn`t know it was from you. I thought it was her talking," I said.
"It was me. After I spoke to her, I went back and looked again at ... what you gave
me, and the letter you wrote me. And I thought about what Marie told me, that you were so
stunned and confused. Gradually, I began to put a picture together, a somewhat different
picture. What you did was wrong, Sandy, it was poor judgment, it was borderline criminal,
and it was immoral. Even so, I should have just told you not to do it again."
"Connie, I`m so sorry," I said weakly.
But she cut me off again. "Sandy, do you know why you`re sitting here?"
"You want me to do your research," I guessed. She certainly could jump around,
this demanding, brilliant little woman whose hold on my heart was like a cluster of
fishhooks.
"Yes, and because you and I have a relationship that is unresolved. I could just
ignore you. I could get another research assistant. But I didn`t and I won`t. Do you
understand why?"
I just shook my head. I was always at a loss and a disadvantage with her.
"Because you love me like no one else has ever loved me," Connie said softly.
"And I just don`t know what to do with that."
Over the roaring in my ears, I said, "You could just ignore it. I will never mention
it," I suggested. It was true. I had no explanation for it, not even one I could sell
myself on.
It was as if I had said nothing. "I wonder if you can possibly know what it is like
for me to have to admit to myself, and to you, that the person who loves me most in the
world is another woman, and there are some things I like about it." She got up and
went to the window and stood with her hands in her pockets, looking out over the darkening
campus. "Some, but not all. I mean, after a lifetime of being attracted to men, and
believing they were attracted to me, it`s still a shock."
Now my head was really spinning, but I said, "I`ve been there, Connie. Most of us
have. Most of us grow up believing we`re straight, and we come to a moment like this.
Maybe more than once. And I`m very sure men are attracted to you. You`re attractive to
both sexes."
She glanced back, and I could see the worry lines in her face. "Even in my very
worst moments with you, I couldn`t make myself sue you, or even demand that you leave the
university," Connie said. "I finally got to the point where I wanted you to know
it was all right and I wasn`t as angry any more. But I wanted to tell you most of this in
person, and I still had a lot of things to work out." She turned to look at me.
"I`m still not sure about this. I`m your professor. You`re my student. This is
absolutely taboo, and I don`t know whether or not I can trust you, but I do have something
to hold over your head, and I`m going to use it to find out all I can about you."
"Yes, ma`am, Connie," I whispered. I was glad I didn`t have to stand up. My
legs would never have held me.
She came back and sat down. "You know that I have always relied on your discretion.
Now, I`ll give you a chance to exercise it. We can proceed with this relationship, but if
you ever disobey me regarding it, I will see an attorney, and I will sue you. I will
destroy you."
I nodded. Even though I probably hadn`t committed a crime, I couldn`t afford a lawyer to
defend me. I may as well have just committed a darn good one for all the suffering I had
endured.
"Or you can say no, and you`ll just be my student and employee and that`s all you`ll
ever be," she said.
"I want to try," I told her. "But you would never have to destroy me. I
would sign all my assets over to you and disappear myself." I shifted toward her.
"You know, I would just do whatever you want anyway, without anything hanging over my
head."
"I see. Well, signing over your assets would certainly be sufficient," Connie
smiled. "And I know you think you would do whatever I want, but perhaps once we get
started, you`ll find it`s not so easy. That`s where the leverage comes in."
I just nodded as if I understood, and wondered if any intimate relationship had ever had
a more bizarre beginning.
Oblivious to any of my feelings, as usual, she plowed on, "There`s a test for this,
Sandy. All my life, I have been at a physical disadvantage with my lovers. I`m a woman,
and a very small one at that. Not only have I never gotten what I wanted, I have also
tolerated and accepted a whole lot of things I just don`t like, because I thought I had
to. That`s one reason why your story upset me so much. I felt forced to read it. I felt a
loss of control I find frightening and unacceptable. Do you understand me?" she
asked, pinning me with her enormous, beautiful blue eyes.
"Connie, when I called you `my liege` that time when you probably thought I was just
fooling around, I really wasn`t kidding," I told her.
"I know. I knew it then. And I find it very appropriate, especially as so much
respect has been drained away from the teaching profession. Therefore, if you don`t treat
me exactly that way, this is over, and you can forget about your degree. Don`t ever test
me, Sandy. One strike is all you get," Connie warned me.
"Yes, my liege," I said. It made me shiver but I managed to suppress it.
"Good. Turn off the light and come here," she said.
I got up and did as she said. "Connie, would you guide me back? It`s really
dark."
"Follow my voice, Sandy," she said. It had dropped to a growl. "Be
careful."
I picked my way back through the maze of furniture until I was close to the sofa, where I
found she had moved from her chair. She grabbed my wrist and said, "Kneel
down."
I had to. I was getting dizzy already.
"Give me your hand," she said, and she guided it to her breast. In the darkness
she had removed her shirt and bra.
"Connie," I gasped.
"Shhhh." Her other hand found my face, and then her lips were on mine. For a
moment or two, we just kissed very gently, while I caressed her breast, and the nipple
hardened under my fingers. I didn`t slide my tongue into her mouth, I let her enter me, so
she would feel secure. It was all I could do not to weep with joy that she was, however
slowly, forgiving me for my imaginary crime, which was very real to her.
Then she broke the kiss, lay down on her side and guided my mouth to her breast. "Be
very, very gentle, Sandy," she whispered. "No teeth, just lips and
tongue."
"Mmm-hmm," I agreed.
Connie relaxed as I made love to her. "Listen, Sandy, my breasts are very, very
sensitive. I can climax from the right stimulation. That`s all I want, and it`s all we`re
going to do, for now."
"Okay," I whispered. Bingo! How could she have known I preferred giving
pleasure to receiving it? That hadn`t been in my story.
She sighed. "Later, if you do exactly as I tell you, there may be ... other
things."
I responded by obeying her. Connie`s breasts were tiny, and in order to maintain the
proper contact, I had to use both hands, very gently, to position them so that I could
maintain the proper speed and pressure. Her right hand was on the back of my neck, and she
used it to guide me from one breast to the other as she desired.
"Oh, dear God," she moaned, and I could smell her musk. It was intoxicating,
and she crossed her legs at the ankles so that her thighs were tightly together.
"Mmmmmm," she panted. "Ohhhh."
I said nothing. All I did was lick, suck, and adore her tiny breasts, non-stop, until
with a wrenching gasp, Connie climaxed. Then she drew my head back up and kissed me,
gently, just barely letting me taste her tongue. "Thank you, Sandy, I liked that very
much. You can go now."
"Yes, my liege," I whispered. "Thank you, too." My own need was a
sharp, stabbing sensation, but under the circumstances, easier to ignore than you might
think. Connie`s pleasure was my own.
"Can you come again Friday?" she asked, as I felt my way to the table where I
had left my backpack. "There," she said, turning a lamp on.
"Yes, ma`am, I would be glad to," I told her.
"Good. It`s a date," she told me, and she winked at me from where she relaxed
on the sofa, her face aglow. Her shirt was already draped across her chest.
"I`m looking forward to it already," I said, and I let myself out, wondering
how, exactly, she would enter that engagement into her palm pilot.
* * * *
I went out and sat in my car for I don`t know how long, going over and over it. Connie
let me make love to her! She wasn`t my lover yet, but I was hers.
It had been an odd encounter, to be sure, but it was intimacy, and she wanted more. And
as excited as I was, and as easily as I could have gotten myself off right there, I
preferred to wait for the comfort of my bed. On Friday, I would have to wear some
"feminine protection," though, as they say in the commercials. Making love to
Connie like this was going to be hell on intimate apparel.
I tried to imagine, and it made me laugh, Connie trying this with some
testosterone-crazed male, especially the kind she liked: Schwarzenegger, Selleck, Ford.
Ha! No wonder she had never managed to keep one very long. I didn`t think any man would do
what I had just done even once, let alone indefinitely. And I could hardly wait to do it
again.
I`m not really into breasts, and of course I wanted to be touched, but Connie was the
love of my life. I had lived long enough to have loved others as much, but never more, and
not recently. Certainly not my spouse of many years, soon to be my ex. She and I had known
that for quite a while, but had done nothing out of affection and inertia. If Connie
wanted more, that would have to change, and my new job would make that possible. Not
Connie`s research, that paid peanuts. I had finally gotten a "real" one, a staff
job at the university, and it was my ticket out if I needed it.
There was one other thing I had to do. I couldn`t afford a long-term court case, but I
could afford a consultation. I had to know where I stood. Was I really a criminal or not?
Was I in thrall to her because of that? I didn`t want it that way. I wanted our new
relationship to be free of any obligation. I already loved Connie for herself, just as she
was. I didn`t want there to be any other reason to give her the kind of pleasure she
demanded for as long as she wanted it.
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