When I was younger, barely into adolescence, I became fascinated with the
possibilities of my newly developed body. I developed early, you see, and nature was quite
generous. Still, I was only a young girl, still somewhat embarrassed about it all, and
entirely confused about what I could do, and what I should do
The world was confusing. The high fashion models and actresses dressed in the kind
of slutty outfits my schoolmates and I adored, but which we'd never dare wear.
Girls just didn't wear tight little minis to school where I grew up, or
shimmery, nearly see through tops, or blouses and dresses showing immense amounts of
cleavage. We were fascinated by the idea of doing so, but no one had the bravery. And if
she had we all would have trashed her mercilessly.
But I, like most girls, I suppose, liked to imagine myself as seductive and
provocative and "hot", and liked it when the guys got all hot and bothered by
us, even if it did embarrass us more than a little.
As I grew older the confusion receded, and if anything my fantasies and desires
about what I could do with my body grew more powerful. There were so many possibilities in
the realm of sex which I would have loved to have explored, so many things I'd heard
about, read about, even seen in furtive glimpses of adult oriented magazines and
pornographic videos.
But I lived in a small town, and went to a small school, and rumour was a powerful
impediment to experiencing your fantasies come to life. I had to content myself with a lot
of self abuse and some fondling and groping until I got old enough to get a
"real" boyfriend.
Towards the end of my high school years I lost my virginity, but it was a
disappointment. I had been drinking, he had been drinking, and we were both inexperienced.
It was a short lived experience, and altogether unsatisfying. I tried again a few times
and things were better, but just didn't live up to my fantasies. I always felt
inhibited by what he would think of me, and whether he would tell his buddies what I did
or said or how I acted.
The only realization of the pleasure I had imagined came from, of all places, my
best friend Karen. During a sleep over we got to talking about sex and boys and kissing,
and a variety of other things, and wound up experimenting on each other. Since we trusted
each other absolutely we could reveal our desires like we never could to our boyfriends,
and I finally began to get a taste of the exciting possibilities out there.
Still, we were just two young girls fooling around, and though we enjoyed ourselves
we were still fairly innocent, especially compared to the worldly people I was to
encounter later on.
College was to be a great release. Far away from home and family and friends, on a
huge campus where no one would know me, where I could, I knew, indulge myself in my youth,
in the possibilities of my body. I vowed to have a college experience I would look back on
when I was older, to do everything I could, at least once, and maybe many times.
All of this is to lead up to why I pledged to the Gamma Phi sorority when I went to
College. Gamma Phi had a reputation as a really raunchy sorority. There were rumours of
orgies and gang bangs, none confirmed, always related second or third or fourth hand.
Gamma Phi was also said, and this wasn't rumour, to be the wealthiest of all
the campus sororities, with a fabulous house with big, luxurious rooms and the best stereo
and video equipment around, including a big screen TV.
I never thought I'd get in. I mean, they were also supposed to be the most
selective of all the sororities. Girls who'd failed to get in talked about being
grilled for hours about every facet of their lives, including their histories, their
fantasies, and ambitions, their likes and dislikes.
Of course it had initiation rites, just like the rest, and it, like the others, was
shrouded in mystery, but it was supposedly really tough and weird.
Anyway, I never thought I'd get in, but I applied, and like the rumours
claimed, I found myself sitting in a chair, surrounded by a dozen girls, all asking me
questions, some of them extraordinarily personal, like when I'd lost my virginity,
and how often I masturbated, and what I thought about when I did, and did I ever use sex
toys, and did I ever try this, or that, or this, or that. Wow, it was embarrassing.
I passed that exam, apparently, and got called back for a second interview, this
one in a dark room with three girls. They were in shadow while I was brightly lit up. I
couldn't even make out their faces. The interview was all about sex, mostly, and what
offended me or didn't.
"How do you feel about your body, Claudia?" I was asked right off.
"Huh?"
"How do you feel about your body?"
"Uh, okay. I mean, let's face it, I'm pretty well built. The boys
seem to think so anyway."
"Would you be ashamed to be seen naked by other women?"
"No. What do you mean?"
"We have common showers here."
"Oh, that doesn't bother me. I mean, we had to take showers together all
through high school in gym class."
"So it doesn't embarrass you to be seen in the nude?"
"No." I shrugged, putting on a casual, worldly air.
In truth, being nude around others aroused me tremendously. It always had,
especially after Karen and I had begun playing our little games. I would watch the other
girls in the showers, imagining having sex with them, always very careful not to be seen
watching.
"Would it offend you to find out that some of our sisters are gay?" I was
asked.
"No."
"You said you'd had a lesbian affair?"
"When I was younger."
I had thought that would make me seem worldly, and it was becoming more and more
fashionable to be a little bi.
"You're defensive about that. Why?"
"I'm not defensive."
"Yes, you are. Are you ashamed of what you did?"
"No."
"Do you ever find yourself attracted to women?"
"Uh, the odd time. I'm mostly attracted to men, though."
"So you think you're bisexual."
"Uh, I wouldn't say that. Completely."
"You're defensive again. Does homosexual sex embarrass you?"
"No, I mean, I... no."
"You just don't want us to think you're a pervert."
"Yeah," I grinned, weakly, "That's about it."
"Does the idea of bondage bother or offend you?"
I went a little red. Me and Karen had played around a little with bondage, tying
each other up. Even with Karen I'd hid how turned on that had made me. But that was
just silly games. And we'd mostly giggled a lot.
"No."
"You wouldn't be bothered if you went to the kitchen and found one of our
sisters there, nude, getting a drink say, and wearing handcuffs?"
I was startled but fought to keep myself from showing it. "No."
"Have you ever experimented with bondage?"
"A little." I shrugged defensively, turning a bit red.
"With a man, or with your girlfriend?"
"Both. A little. Do you guys need to know all this?"
"A portion of our sisterhood is lesbian and some are involved in submissive,
dominance relationships. We don't want you judging them as perverts and denouncing
them."
"I wouldn't do that."
"That's what we are trying to determine, Claudia. We don't want any
judgmental people here. If it seems we're focussing strictly on sex that's
because we've already talked to you about politics and education and almost
everything else. Also, if a person is going to be judgmental, or offended by anything, it
will likely be about sex and sexuality."
"Well, I suppose that's true," I said.
"I want you to do something for us, Claudia."
"What?"
"Stand up and remove your clothing."
I stared in disbelief. "What?"
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