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An old man walks into a bar and the barkeep says, “What’s new?” 
The old guy says, “I think my wife died.” 
“You think?” 
“Yeah. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.” 

 
A man who just moved to Seattle walks into the local bar and orders a 
triple scotch. “Troubles?” asks the bartender. 
“I think my wife is having an affair with a younger man.” 
“Why do you think that?” 
“Because we just moved to Seattle from Dallas and we have the same 
paperboy.” 

 
A man walks into a bar and says, “Champagne for everybody. On me.” 
“What are you celebrating?” asks the bartender. 
“I’ve just discovered why women have pubic hair.” 
“Why?” 
“It hides the hook.” 

 
Dirty Johnny walks into a bar and says, “Pour me a double Crown Royal 
with a beer back.” 
The female bartender says, “Do you want to get me into trouble?” 
“Maybe later, but right now I just need a fucking drink.” 

 
A man walks into a bar, orders 12 shots of Jim Beam and starts sucking 
them down. “Hey Buddy,” says the bartender, “slow down.” 
“You’d drink like this if you had what I have.” 
“What’s that?” 
The man finishes his last shot and sprints for the door, saying, “No 
money.” 

 
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Jim? Lend me $150, 
it’s an emergency.” 
“Emergency my ass. You’ll spend it gambling.” 
“Seriously. My wife’s sick and I need $150 for the insurance deductible.” 
“Seriously; you’ll spend it gambling.” 
“Fuck you, I got gambling money.” 

 
Two brothers, who married twins, walk into a bar and order a pitcher of 
Michelob. “So what did you get Cindy for her birthday?” asks the older 
brother. 
The younger brother says, “I got her a diamond necklace and a BMW.” 
“Why two gifts?” 
“If she doesn’t like the diamond necklace she’ll have a brand new car to 
drive to the jewelry store and exchange it. What did you get Wendy?” 
“A pair of pink fuzzy slippers and a carrot.” 
“That’s an odd combo.” 
“Not really. I figure if she doesn’t like the slippers she can fuck herself.” 

 
A woman walks into a bar with a toy poodle on a leash. She sits down at 
the bar and orders a martini. A drunk walks up to the bar and vomits all 
over the dog. The drunk looks down at the dog and says, “I really don’t 
remember eating that.” 


A realtor walks into a bar and says, “Give me a scotch. Double.” 
“Problems at work?” asks the bartender. 
“If I don’t sell more houses this month I’m going to lose my ass.” He 
notices a young lady two stools down and says, “Sorry for the obscenity.” 
“That’s okay,” she says, “if I don’t sell more ass this month I’m going to 
lose my house.”